“She felt the abyss of disenchantment.”
― Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera
My brain feels like soup with small chicken bones lurking behind dumplings and carrots, just waiting to splinter and choke. I worked hard for calmness, for strength, and it’s fragile. I had this intrusive, nightmarish thought while trying to sleep that my _______and ______have plans to travel to ________and _____is pregnant. What if what if what if what if what if what if what if
What if we are not going to make it?
Wait, I can’t do better than that? Apparently not.
Writing is therapeutic, yet I procrastinate to the point of sabotaging the 19+years of keeping this blog, this blog that has gone nowhere, sputtered out, out of gas, while others have monetized, gained traction, followers, fans, and my creativity chokes on the weeds of envy and slime.
Well, that got dark fast.
I will do better, I say. I will. I will write more consistently and offer something of value to folks who read this.
While I am not sure how I can encapsulate this moment — there are far more qualified scholars, journalists, and writers than I, but I am a darn good bullet list maker, so here it goes.
A Non-Exhaustive List of the Things That Are in Constant Rotation In My Brain:
- Since #gamergate hit in 2014, a targeted attack against Anita Sarkeesian and other women in the gaming field, boys have been fed a steady diet of trolling lessons, toxicity, and indoctrination.
- Boys were and are under a barrage of toxic messages from men: men who seem wealthy, abuse and objectify women, and break the law and never seem to pay or have a consequence. Now I get boys mentioning Jordan P, Andrew T, and others. They defended PewwwwdEEEE Pi years ago, too. They showed students images of Hitler and “trains” and laughed.
- We’re up to four women (and of course it’s more) in our nation who have been murdered for the act of losing a pregnancy. This particular nightmare swims in my brain– the idea that they are in a hospital parking lot, and inches away from care, and no one helps them. Not one brave medical staff goes out to HELP THEM.
- And I can’t warn students and their families because teachers have been censored.*
*So, let’s talk about this.
Long story short, I had to talk with admin about some recent…events. It’s okay, everything is fine, and it did shore up my resolve to continue to teach critical thinking skills. And if anyone thinks this is simple, easy, or engaging in this day and time of misinformation and disinformation, that is the very air we breathe, the Bird-Boxing of us all, it is not. It’s not healthy, it’s heartbreaking, and it doesn’t matter. I have to do this. I have to do it so carefully, cautiously, and with huge amounts of wisdom and grace that some days I just don’t have. I don’t trust many adults now. I don’t trust them with their own children. And I have to get over that, now. Like, right now. Reflecting on what it means to trust means to let go of control. It is not my job or purpose to control or coerce. In actuality, I’ve never been one to try to control others — seriously. I believe in respect, self-respect, reciprocity, and love. And that my internal dialogue says is I am deeply grieving — we all are. Even if some don’t realize it yet because they think they “won.”
But even a forest fire generates new growth. I can plant seeds and hope for a new forest.
Some seeds:
https://www.comm.pitt.edu/argument-claims-reasons-evidence
Next post will be more ‘seeds’ of critical thinking ideas.































