Tag: choices

Series: WPH: Fear (6)

Whereby I confront my fears and try to work through them.

Note: this is about white people’s fear, and measurement of fear: the existential fear of BIPOC is real, systemic, and daily. As white people work toward equality and abolitionist actions, we must look toward our privilege, beliefs, faith, and values. If we have privilege, and white people most certainly do, what ways can we confront our fears toward action?

What are you willing to die for? We all die. In fact, it’s our mortality that may be at the heart of our conflicts. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. What an incredible philosophy. Because the “willing to die” question could be the most personal, catalyst and human of questions? It comes with huge judgment and zealotry. It’s confrontational and ill-equipped for love. And for clarity: I’m talking about BIG LOVE, love from the universe, gods, goddess, and creation. Love that is patient and kind love. Asking someone what they are willing to die for asks too much, and I’m not sure it’s infused with BIG LOVE. Saints and sinners alike have their own thoughts about mortality, from sacrificial martyrdom to uninvited interruption of work and purpose.

“I don’t know what will happen now; we’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now, because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life–longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over and I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the Promised Land. And so I’m happy tonight; I’m not worried about anything; I’m not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord,” King concluded.

https://constitutioncenter.org/blog/the-day-that-dr-martin-luther-king-jr-died
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I had my own existential crisis and fear bargaining this past week. A dear friend and colleague posted a confrontation by one of her former acquaintances. This acquaintance turned out to be a racist, bully, and all-around garbage human. There have been plenty of groups who’ve been posting pictures of racists caught in the act, and the charge to “get ’em!” And I had to confront my own cowardice when one of those lives metaphorically next door. Most of the ones people post are those who lives miles and states away. Or, outing big corporations for their heinous acts. And since the internet has long given us a false sense of anonymity and safety, in these days of important and monumental shifts, will we begin to judge one another on how we use our physical (not metaphysical) lives to continue this change? I am confronting my own cowardice for not outing this woman. White nationalist scare me. I am in flight, fight, or freeze mode. And I had to work through my own power and privilege to determine how I can keep myself, my sons, and my husband safe.

In other words, if I am not okay with dying in a protest, what can I do that considers multiple factors that decenter my privilege or uses it for abolitionist causes? Zealotry of any kind makes me skittish. I did post the question on Facebook, and received many responses. One woman, the mother of one of my students, said to leave her be, pray for the racist, and go with grace. I’m still grappling with it, but that was where I left it. And in later conversations received a somewhat pedantic lecture on the Holocaust by another friend. And I think I would have been the person to hide people in my house kind of person. But I don’t know. I am here and existing now: so what am I doing now? Because anything I do walks the line between performative and silence. There will be criticism, no matter what. And so what? So how do I balance fear of physical, emotional, and spiritual safety when nothing is truly safe? We all die: so how do I make choices in my life?

What can I give: I have a gift for creating curriculum. I have a gift for friendship and love. I have a gift and talent for creativity and art. I attempt to write and communicate. When I have funds, I share them. I look for legitimate resources. I listen to new information and facts and adapt. And if there is a higher being, I recognize that these gifts are a blessing. And I will strive to keep my pride in check, and not be baited into conversations of ‘who’s more of a warrior.’ (And to be clear–it was my own pride that baited me, not anyone else.)

And I’m still learning from others, every day. Nearly every hour.

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As the girls grow…

As the crow flies

My three Colorado amigas, the ladies I’ve known since middle school astound me. If I could present a tableau of the three of them, and show my middle school students, all genders, what the possibilities are for them outside of the testing and the tardy slips, beyond the perceived limitations, oh what a powerful message that would be. So much discussion about ‘career and college ready,’ and the decline of cultural literacy, and here three of my dearest friends who’ve created lives based on things that will never be on a standardized test.

One of my greatest frustrations is trying to figure out how to show children that though the path may not have all the lights on, we educators will show you how to brighten the path.

Pay attention, please.

CompassRose-Vintage-GraphicsFairy002Lisa:

Lisa has always had grit and determination. I realize the word ‘grit’ is borderline abusive for children of poverty, but in this instance, she exemplifies all the best of that word. She put herself through college. She made sure she could support herself. She has fought for women’s health rights. And now she is a liaison between disenfranchised neighborhoods and city planners to make sure needs are met, communicated, and sustainable. She is the real deal. She understands access to facilities, and how in pockets of even large urban areas, communities are often shut out and marginalized. She gives them space and voice. Lisa truly levels the playing field. Literally.

And yes, Lisa, I hope that bridge over the railroad tracks gets built immediately. Now I’m going to look at that terrible intersection by our school. You made me want to demand better lights and traffic control.

How can I get teachers to stop saying girls are bossy, outspoken, etc. and reframe those traits as what they are? Leadership, strength, determination, and forces for change?

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Kristin:

Kristin is pure joy and happiness, even if the face of the most challenging of circumstances. She is currently a kindergarten teacher, and if my boys were tiny again, I would move mountains to have her be their teacher. She embodies sunshine. Wicked smart, funny, and amazingly physically strong. She bikes over mountains. MOUNTAINS! For years, she has also planned gardens and landscaping projects. I wish I had thought to take a picture of her sketchbook and her resources about southwestern plants. She knows the names of trees and flowers. She sees what is painful to the silent, animals, plants, and sometimes people, and also gives them the nurturing they need.

And yes, Kristin, I wish I could fly you out here to cast your spells on my trashy backyard.

How can I tell people to stop looking at professions like teaching, landscaping, and gardening like it’s a hobby? To take the student who loves being on the GreenTeam or at our new Mill Creek garden to turn that into a valuable and sustainable future for themselves? Hey, people of planet earth, we need this rock we’re spinning on!

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Tammy:

Tammy is a film festival producer, shaker, maker, creator, planner, presenter, and supporter of film, the arts, women in film, and great storytelling facilitation. She’s thoughtful, methodical, and intuitive.

And yes, Tammy, I wish I could go to every one of the film festivals you share. You understand my love of stories.

How do I tell students that story they’re writing, that movie they’re making, that podcast they’re trying might just speak to someone else who needs to hear they’re not alone? And, guess what…it might actually help you make a living creating?

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I’ll keep this post handy for next year. I may start the Royal Queens Club again with this additional information to help students, girls in particular if they need, to see that they are in control of their paths, but it need not be terrifying. I can’t wait to see what we all do for the second half.

/bow

Between a rock and a hard place: decisions, decisions…

mrs-love_help-me-obi_2Well, my wonderful MC students, we’re at a juncture, and as your fearless leader, even I am scratching my head, wondering where to go next. Do we take a left, struggle with Charybdis the whirlpool, or venture past Scylla, knowing a few of our crewmen are bound to be chomped up?

Well, how many times have you heard it’s about choices? You’re given a set of options, and you determine the best course of action. As my students know, we are very fortunate to have technology at our disposal – to use to enhance your learning, and my teaching. I thoroughly enjoy using technology to learn more about topics I’m interested in, how to become a better teacher, how to develop interesting lessons, etc. And you, my students, can choose to teach me new things, interact, and grow as a people, too.

That’s one path.

The other option is to use the laptop like an expense See and Say toy, something to push buttons, and try to hide as much of your distracting, off-task behaviors as possible, from a simple music file to something that is completely inappropriate and possibly even illegal. To say I’m disappointed and discouraged by those of you who have chosen this path is not only an understatement, but it feels defeating – like you wanted to “win” a game by not having your laptop available to you, but “losing it” you would “win” at some imaginary game only you were playing. I’m not sure what rules you came up with for your game, but as your teacher, I can only tell you that you are in true danger of losing.

So…do you want to go 100% doom of Charybdis’ whirlpool, or take your chances at surving Scylla? I will continue to do what I can to help you survive, to succeed, to learn, to grow, to prepare for your present and your future.  

What’s around the bend, the corner, the towering rocks? Well, it’s your choice.