Note: Hey, whatever…just needed a place to track and store some of my intrusive and silly thoughts. I know others have it harder, I know the world is on fire and being emulsified with a mixture of gasoline and blood…I know. The specters of mortal sins rattle their chains on national media sources, and the clowns hit the applause sign for our cues.
And as I gazed into the abyss, I had a passing thought: why was it so horrible that Mdme. Loisel wanted one night of fun? To feel pretty, admired, and feel like she was part of another economic class? Because whew-howdy, did she ever get punished. I imagine her scrolling through her social media feeds, seeing the friends and families she loves going on amazing trips, curating lives and experiences that are out of reach for me, and coming to the depressing realization I can only blame myself. I lost the necklace.
“The girl was one of those pretty and charming young creatures who sometimes are born, as if by a slip of fate, into a family of clerks. She had no dowry, no expectations, no way of being known, understood, loved, married by any rich and distinguished man; so she let herself be married to a little clerk of the Ministry of Public Instruction.”
The Necklace by Guy de Maupassant
- January:
- My husband picks me up from the airport after seeing my parents (my dad was in hospice at this point) and tells me he was just laid off.
- February:
- I said something that triggered the trolls on Twitter and ended up leaving Twitter (after building a following of other teachers, writers, etc. since 2009), being doxxed, harassed, and given a document search request by said trolls.
- I turned 59 and had a fun “hobbit” themed party.
- My dad passed away at the end of the month.
- March:
- My father-in-law isn’t doing too great, either.
- Started making a video for my dad, and also offended my youngest sister, who promptly blocked me from communications.
- My younger son went to visit my mom and stayed with her, and it was awkward. She did not communicate with me at all.
- She’s speaking to me now through one channel.
- My husband had taken over a lease from his dad, and it was time to turn it in, and we got suckered into another terrible loan.
- Received some mana from heaven
- April
- I went to my dad’s memorial service, and it was beautiful.
- May
- My father-in-law passed.
- At some point during this school year, another staff member was going to go to the Board over my tweet. Not sure if [redacted] went or not.
- June
- School is out at the end of June.
- I rest for a bit.
- July
- I teach summer school
- My husband and sons take a wonderful road trip down to California and also through Mesa Verde.
- Somewhere over the summer I lost a college friend to suicide.
- Somewhere over the summer I lost my cousin, who was one of the sweetest souls.
- Have fun going-away party for my BFF
- August
- I don’t know. I was supposed to be in Ireland or Iceland. At least in my life plan, anyway.
- September
- School begins again/end of August
- Still can’t shake ten-twenty pounds.
- Celebrate our 31st anniversary.
- October
- This is the moment when my students will confuse Harper Lee (November) with Edgar Allan Poe (this month).
- November
- Finally paid off all the trips
- Son’s roomate leaves him with all the rent. An expense we were barely covering during the good times.
- Still chubby. Meds not working.
- My best friend drives away in her bus. I will probably not see her again. I know this song.
- Hello, insomnia, my old friend.
- December:
- Taking out predatory loans to get through to payday
- Trying to hang on emotionally
- Still showing up for students
- Thinking about the various years of my husband’s underemployment and how capitalism sucks. It’s taken a toll on me. (And, he’s tried everything he can physically do.)
- Still chubby.
In retrospect, (because is there any other kind of spect that stings as much?) my husband and I have maintained a particular philosphy/belief that serves us well: we make the best decisions with the information we have. I think most people do, even if they’re not aware of it. But there are shadowy forces that push on our decsisions, like the dopamine hits of crafting supplies and fast fashion. And damn, self, please: cut yourself some slack. Look at this year. My regrets are for the past four years when my spouse did have a job, and four years in his industry at his level is unheard of. For a time, I felt hopeful, like maybe we would actually start being able to save, fix the roof, go on a trip, or help with our sons’ finances and their dreams. I am not invited to out-of-state events because my friends know I’m perpetually broke. But then again I don’t get invited much anyway, and this isn’t me feeling pitiful for myself; I recognize that when I am the one “who leaves/moves” I lose that thread, the ties of tendons and bones. (Which is one reason why losing my local BFF fills me with grief…we were just getting started! We were just beginning our adventures! The ring was about to be thrown in Mordor!)
Financial Blunders
- Responding to trauma and depression with purchases is definitely a curse, and a vicious spiral. My dad always said when you’re in a hole, stop digging. The problem is we hit many holes. I’m feeling the recurrant under-employed cycle throughout our financial lives together. One huge blunder was thinking I could be a SAHM during the years our boys were little. We tried. And my husband has the beautiful family trait of his family’s of being optimistic.
- Fixed: getting my teaching degree for sustainable career was one of the best things I ever did. Probably leaving my former career was probably one of the worst.
- Not having my spouse finish his degree early on was dumb. Or get his electrician’s license. His mom was right all along. Those computer jobs are garbage unless you’re one of the biggies in the company and have a yacht-ton of stock.
Blessings and Bounty
- Oh, I feel better now. Rinsed out the gravel and silt from the wounds, and am pulling my head up toward the sun.
- My list of blessings arrive on a wide horizon of hope, love, and creativity — I have an amazing life.
- If I don’t continually write down the pain and mistakes, I am in danger of continuing to make them. And I literally and figuratively cannot afford to do that. I have shit to do, people.
While I may have lost the metaphorical necklace, and spent years replacing it only to find out my credit score hasn’t budged, I’m still existing not quite paycheck to paycheck, I still have some pretty cool gifts. If any of you reading this is taking this as a cautionary tale, “The Necklace” misses the point — it’s not about not deserving a night out on the town– we all do. But our celebrations and sharing are our best parts of being human and life on this planet. We let money block those moments too much. Have the potluck, split the check (with what each owes, and everyone leaves 20%), and get the career/profession that is sustainable: teaching, feeding, building, and solving: those are sustainable professions.
Now if we can only get the billionaires taxed properly.
