Category: Parenthood

Parents & Guardians

TL: DR Meetings with parents and guardians can be made simpler and with more care.

A little story:

Many years ago, I saw the need for an alternative to the current ASB (Associated Student Body) group. The ASB at the time was comprised of very highly motivated, engaged, and energetic students who also understood the “rules of school.” Mind you, and I’m saying this clearly so there is no misunderstanding: the ASB leader and students were amazing. And, it was not a club where everyone/anyone could join. It’s based on elections and voting and is often a popularity contest.

via GIPHY

So, I asked my students if they were interested in starting their own club. They were mostly Black and multi-racial girls, about six of them, many of whom had negative experiences in school. They decided to go with the club name of Royal Queens because the feeder high school they’d be attending next year are the Royals, and yes, they were Queens. Okay, cool. Got permission from one of the assistant principals, (one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known) and carried on.

The girls did projects like, on Valentine’s for example, put a valentine heart on every single locker (over 600) from them. Some kids said it was the first Valentine they’d ever received. They would get a special pass to go help with projects around the school. And yes, sometimes — they took advantage of this or were a little disruptive for some teachers, and yes, I had at least two other teachers* complain about them. But they had fun, and so many of them grew and matured, and are loving young adults today. Just an amazing bunch of students.

Pausing to a parent meeting with one of the girls, “T.” T was imaginative, intelligent, funny, joyous, and a loyal and fierce friend to her peers. For some reason, she was in trouble, and we were called into a parent meeting. The other teachers* were ready to attack. They said their piece about how awful and disrespectful “T” was. When it was my turn, I told her mom that T was part of this club, worked really hard, and from everything I could tell did an amazing job of advocating for herself, and many other positive things. Her mom just stopped and stared at me for a second and said, “This is the first time a teacher has ever said anything good about my daughter.”

So.

Okay.

This doesn’t work for every situation, content area, teaching style, or student. I’m trying to coalesce concepts that are not easily filtered.

Parents and guardians want their children to do well. To thrive. Generational trauma, systemic racism, and white supremacy create a toxic mix when parents come into a meeting about their child. Add to that our own experiences we bring to the room, and our beliefs about parenting. The assumptions, stereotypes, and white savior tropes get in the way of many (white) teachers. Clear that away from one moment of clarity and just remember: no matter how good or bad you think the parent/guardian is sitting across from you, there is a blood bond between them and that child in the room, too. Our role is not only to deliver instruction and to ensure their child strives for mastery of that content area but to be and grow to who they are — that’s it. And it’s a collective, nourishing growth. They, students, can show up with love and self-respect. Do not demand respect from students and parents when you have not modeled self-respect.

When it comes to grades, oh boy, nothing upsets many teachers more than when I say don’t markdown for late work. Just don’t. If a student has nothing turned in, build a system in place, especially for older students, where they can call or text their parents to let them know. They always have their parent’s number, even if the grading software isn’t updated. In the age of digital grading systems and alerts, I promise you — speaking from my own experience – all the alerts in the world will not help a parent of a child who has #ADHD or other neurodiversity. And if the parent also has ADHD (ahem) she is most likely doing their best to function in the workplace as well as tend to a child who is struggling to stay organized. And please — throw out this “real world” notion that the real world only functions in a linear, time-demanding way. Notice I didn’t say always — I said only. There are many ways the world functions. People have depression, ADHD, autism, and many other cognitive demands. This does not mean whatever you’re asking them to go can’t be done. It means you’re going to have to work WITH parents/guardians and students to make it work for them. That’s it.

Asset-based mindsets, accurate diagnosis, continuous reflection, and readjustments. And for goodness sakes, just say something good, okay? OH AND FOLLOW THAT IEP/504. This is not a war of attrition against parents where teachers are “winning” something. The cruelty, egos, and overall garbage I’ve witnessed are egregious. But as Mr. Rogers says, I look for the helpers. Who’s in charge of making sure the education law and rules are followed? Who’s in charge of the grading practices and equity? What is my role in the following and adherence to the laws? Quite a large one, actually, as are most teachers.

If there are serious issues, such as gang-related, criminal activity (and no, sorry, crop tops and spaghetti straps don’t count) those are issues that are at the administrative level. At this time in my career, I will do whatever is in my power to disrupt and stop the school-to-prison pipeline. But if it’s reached that point before the student is in front of me, I will still do what I can. This might mean offering an online course for a student, making my time and instructional available in flexible hours, whatever. This does not mean this is a choice other teachers can and should make.

One thing I’m “good” at, which came with a lot of tears and hard learning, is how to interact with parents and guardians in meetings. I’m not naturally good, or…perhaps I am. I took something in my personality and experiences and reflected many times over the years — what would I need and want to hear if I was on the other side of this table? And, with my second son, I was on the other side of the table. I learned so much.

I’m going to offer this to any teacher, veteran, or rookie, this service: I will have a conversation about how to approach grades, discipline, and just an ear to listen — with this caveat — I will give advice and ask questions. You can ask me on Twitter @mrskellylove

Tick.

Hope my boys forgive me for using their photo in this post. This is from Mothers' Day last year.
Hope my boys forgive me for using their photo in this post. This is from Mothers’ Day last year.

Tock.

Time’s up.

A colleague recently posted this article by “Someone’s Mum,” Teaching: a ‘family unfriendly profession.’ I am not sure if she was posting it as evidence as to why she may not be planning parenthood for herself, or if that’s why she may consider leaving the profession if or when she starts a family. It doesn’t matter. These choices are hers and hers alone. But boy oh boy did it resonate.

Colleagues who are young mothers of infants, toddlers, and elementary school aged children post about time spent away from sick toddlers, or working late into the evening getting ‘caught up.’ (I know the dad-teachers are feeling it, too, but their posts tend not to state being home sick with a baby, or how guilty they feel when they go to work and not stay home. In fact, I don’t see a lot of guilt being flung around dad-work posts at all. Hmmm. Interesting. I’ll check my confirmation bias and do some further research.)

Colleagues who are more in my demographic, of high school or college-aged children, tend to post a wistful longing for more time. And I guarantee I am not projecting on this sentiment. It’s real and raw.

The ‘time conversation’ isn’t cute or funny anymore. There is this undercurrent of veteran teachers and administrators whom, I sense, give off the vibe of “yes yes dear, it’s hard, I know…” in that patronizing way. It’s a dog whistle. Time management and leadership must take into account time, and guard by teachers’ time. It has very real financial costs (if that gets your attention) versus the invisible costs of depression, anxiety, and resentment, all leading to burning out.

I have seen my planning time taken away, my contact time increase, my pension reduced, and my school’s budget cut. But I keep giving. We all keep giving, in the face of our time, our resources, our rights, even our sanity being taken away. I have been treated for stress and anxiety and witnessed colleagues suffer similarly.

For every district planner, or curriculum concept, or new adoption committee, every test maker or assessment giver, there demand criteria of time management, too. Most educators do not have a background in project management or traffic management. I do, and I know. For each person’s role in the implementation and execution of current and new ideas/innovation, it requires multiplied time. It’s very easy to disconnect from the actual work that’s involved. And work is time. This disconnection may be one significant shift in my attitude during my ten years: I am very diligent about how I spend my time and am guarded and wary of how others want me to use it. It’s a pure cost/benefits analysis. 

Teachers do not have many opportunities for upward salary growth. Paying for test scores is not the answer. It never has been, and never will be. Paying someone for arbitrary factors that are out of their control is wrong: benefits that come from things within their control is feasible and equitable. The only answer is to allow administrators to recognize when something is important and fundamental. Fortunately, our administration team this year understands and respects the staff thoroughly. Its vision and knowledge of what it takes to get stuff down make all the difference in leadership styles, and for that I’m grateful. But this should be standard practice to hire, and keep, highly qualified teachers.

It’s important to recognize when folks get it right: when district leadership listens, demonstrates with agility and responds. Perhaps a starting place for the dialogue about how teachers spend their time should include protocols/norms:

“It” is whatever curriculum, change, adaptation, adoption, workflow, time constraints, etc.

  • Is it necessary?
  • Is it someone’s personal agenda/vision?
    • Does this agenda align with the district, state, and Federal mandates/goals?
    • Does this agenda/vision build a sustainable infrastructure?
  • Is it change for change’s sake?
  • How much time will it take? (then multiply it by 3)
  • How does it meet learners’ needs of the climate and culture of that particular school? (This may be especially applicable to large districts.)
  • Does it meet the current life goal needs of the teachers, be it personal or professional?
    • What stage of life are they in? Is there a family issue to be considered–birth, death, divorce, marriage, travel/exploration, professional goals (such as the PSWP class I take almost every summer out of my own time/money)
    • Are they involved with other professional development, such as National Boards or other organizations that support their pedagogy and practice? Are they given a forum (voice) for sharing this knowledge in a collegial way?

Folks ask me if my mind ever quits, and no, not really. But that’s a good thing. If I am creating and supporting, I’m in the zone. I’m happy. Contrast to last year when I was fighting for my professional life. I have other things to think about than my job, however; we teachers just need more damn time. That’s it. Perhaps a formula for those of us who work in high-impact schools, our workshop days need to happen with more frequency and less outside demands. Teachers speak of differentiating professional development all the time, but that change can’t happen fast enough for me. I want to advocate for my colleagues with small children: I want them never to give it a second thought if they need to stay home with a sick child, or for that matter, not give it a second thought if they need to stay home and play with a well one. Also: if we want to put in a few hours, get caught up, create something new, etc., we should do that guilt and judgment free. It’s okay to be happy in a job and as a mother parent. And it’s okay if you are not a parent and have outside interests besides teaching. We only get one time around this wheel, and it goes by fast.

Believe me.

Postscript: Here is how I spent some of my time yesterday.

https://prezi.com/embed/lh96ajshhbmy/?bgcolor=ffffff&lock_to_path=0&autoplay=0&autohide_ctrls=0&landing_data=bHVZZmNaNDBIWnNjdEVENDRhZDFNZGNIUE43MHdLNWpsdFJLb2ZHanI0amg0LzJUMURoM0ZWQmV4WTJMSFlDbElnPT0&landing_sign=8tNSkcxrZWNL83iHcre1_R0w4bbwhKMHeU6qyDj6gOw

https://prezi.com/embed/rcw0r73se0o2/?bgcolor=ffffff&lock_to_path=0&autoplay=0&autohide_ctrls=0&landing_data=bHVZZmNaNDBIWnNjdEVENDRhZDFNZGNIUE43MHdLNWpsdFJLb2ZHanI0U3F4V1ZkUlo4Vitla3FPbkhEZjVoRVV3PT0&landing_sign=vXV3OA0vDRFkB8YpUmou9HEbL4w3kauSTdbP1vyR7IE